The Gift of the Email
My wife's siblings decided that they all wanted to go in together on a gift for their parents. The conversation was communicated in written form via email. The chain began as a response to an email that was sent to everyone. Further communication was as simple as replying to all. It went pretty much like this:
"Ellie and I were talking this morning about lots of things. One of the things we talked about was a Christmas gift for Mom. She mentioned Mom's subtle hint about the ornaments. An excellent idea, of course. I mentioned that I had found a pendant that had room for a gem stone for all 13 grandchildren. Love, Amy"
"Would love to get a lawn service in place for Dad (even if it is every other month, it could offer some relief). Love the pendant for Mom. I think she would love it! Candice"
"Okay, scroll down to the bottom of Mom's email. Should we all chip in and get Dad the $220 fishing unit???? By the time tax is added in, we are looking at about $40. We are going there this Friday and Saturday (John-John has a football game in Herford on Saturday) -- I could look into getting it then.
What do you think? Love ya, Ellie"
"You can count us in. With love, Candice"
"Sounds awesome. I had the very same thought. It's a perfect Dad gift. Of course, Mom's task is to keep him from buying it himself between now and Christmas. :D ~Amy"
"We are in as well! - Ginger"
"Okay, all the girls are in. How 'bout the boys? Bob and Doug, should we count you guys in for the fishing unit for Dad for Christmas? Love, Ellie"
"Why are you asking Bob and Doug.....have you NOT learned yet!! Who does the shopping? Who makes the decisions? Linda and Celia, how do you y'all feel about the gift for Dad? - Ginger"
"I'm all for following the lead. Bob"
"Whatever works is fine for us.do you think he ever goes fishing? And has that dock, twice repaired now, ever launched a boat? And they moved to the coast because.? - Celia"
"You can count us in for Dad's gift but am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have been sending these emails to mom and dad? - Doug"
Gladys Kravitz Times Two
Every Saturday for three months straight, and without fail, my doorbell would ring. Upon opening the door I would find a young door to door salesman eager to make a sale. "Good afternoon sir. I'm with XYZ Cleaning Products and I wanted to stop by..."
"I'm not interested."
"But..."
"I'm not interested."
"I noticed the oil stains on your driveway..."
"Leave my stains alone. It took me a long time to get them just the way I want them."
Every Sunday for three months straight, and without fail, my doorbell would ring as well. Upon opening the door would find two gentleman in suits who would identify themselves as being from a local church. "We just wanted to stop by and find out if you were attending church anywhere."
"Yes I am."
"May I ask if you are a Christian?"
"I am a Christian but you may not ask."
Come to find out that these various solicitors were being sent over by a couple of industrious neighbors. By industrious, I mean nosey. They were informing salesmen that we were new to the neighborhood and would probably appreciate their help in "getting set up." They were letting their churches and all their friend's churches know that we were new to the neighborhood and would probably be interested in finding a new church home. This led to the introduction of a sign on my front door.
"If you ring the doorbell in an attempt to sell something to the occupants of the premises, you hereby agree to be charged $11.99 per minute to find out that we are going to say no. You agree to incur a $50.00 disposal fee for any literature left behind.
If you ring the doorbell in an attempt to invite the occupants of the premises to church, you argree to the charge of $25.00 per occurrence. You agree to incur a $50.00 disposal fee for any literature left behind.
Any and all proceeds will be promptly turned over to the church we currently attend for use as they see fit."
If there is something going on in the neighborhood that you want to know, the two nosey neighbors are the one's to ask. It's hard to tell which one is the nosiest since they are the best of friends and share information. What one doesn't know, the other does.
One of them caught me as I was getting in my car before work. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know that the Shelly's had a baby boy a few minutes ago!"
"That's nice," I replied.
As I drove by the Shelly's house, the other nosey neighbor was rushing across the yard with a pie in her hand. Just about the time she reached the door, the baby's grandmother stepped out of the house with a blue balloon that she intended to tie to the mailbox.
That's right. Before granny could even tie a balloon to the mailbox, our two Gladys Kravitz's were spreading the news. How did they know the minute the baby was born? Even scarier, how did one of them know to start baking a pie before the baby was born? I honestly believe if I were to ask either one of them what I had for lunch today, they would know.
Another one of my neighbors and I were talking one day when he mentioned that he was thinking of starting a neighborhood watch program. I said, "Why on Earth would you want to spend the time and effort on something like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"We already have two neighborhood watches set up."
He laughed as he knew exactly what I was talking about. My nosey neighbors both poked their heads out of their front doors and said, "That's not funny."
Kerry Runs Again
In a surprise move, Senator John Kerry announced his intention to run for the office of President of Iraq. "With the blessing and support of the American people, I shall prevail," Kerry said during the announcement. "I can think of no bluer a state than Iraq. It's the perfect place for me. There, I can be a winner."
"Having already been backed by Osama bin Laden, Kerry's chanced are quite good," said Kerry's press secretary Chemical Ali. "His experience in changing the issues to suit his needs is unprecedented and will certainly be a plus in a country where people want to be told what they want to hear."
"I love Iraq," said Kerry on Tuesday. "I have fond memories of Iraq's people from the Christmas of 1969 when my Swift Boat crew and I went on secret CIA mission across the Iraqi border in search of the Viet Cong. Some of my former crew are trying to say that the mission never happened but the reason they say this is because the mission was so secret that not even I have any knowledge of it."
When asked to comment on Mr. Kerry's recent announcement, President Bush had this to say, "I am sure that Mr. Kerry has had many moonless nights thinking about his decision to run for the office of President in Iraq. It is certainly not a decision to be made at the whim of a hat. Decisions like this are decisions that are not decided by unthoughtful decisions because once you're president of a country you know who the president is for that country and the president is you unless you are not the president of that country. If you are president of another country then you are the president of that country and not the president of the country that I spoke of previously."
The president continued, "I'd like to offer some advice that I have taken from myself. First, no matter what anybody says, stick to your story. There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Second, always remember that the buck doesn't stop with you and don't be afraid to pass it along to someone else. And remember to sign all those important bills that come across your desk. That reminds me. Laura, where's that Sear's bill and do I need to sign it before sending it to congress?"
Manure Spreader
The government facility where I work has recently hired a new supervisor for maintenance. Having the idea that he would soon be able to provide his staff with the best equipment, he soon found out that budget constraints dictated otherwise. "I can't believe this," he said. I have a full crew and no tools. We're expected to maintain all these buildings without tools. And if I did have tools, I don't have any transportation for my guys to get to the jobs."
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard," I commented.
"You know," the supervisor said, "When I was a kid, my old man used to tell me how he would hook up a cart to a mule and spread manure around his fields on the farm. He'd spread it one shovel full at a time. The difference between that and my situation is that my old man had a shovel. We have to use our hands."
"And he had transportation for the manure," I added.
"That's right but I think I've solved the transportation problem. I'm going to tell my guys to take the bus to their jobs. Some lady will call and tell me her air conditioning is broken and I'll say, 'Okay, let me check the bus schedule. Let's see, the bus comes by here in about an hour so someone should be over there in an hour and fifteen, okay? If you don't like it, feel free to call my boss to voice your discontent.'"
"Do you think your boss would get the point?" I asked.
"I don't know but I can just see my boys getting on the bus, one with a pipe wrench and the other with a toilet plunger. I wonder if the bus driver will insist on exact change."
I said, "I hope the driver will wait for them to strap their ladders to the top."
"How do you buy the stuff you need?" the supervisor asked.
"Usually I just charge it to the maintenance account."
"Oh really? Say, can one of my guys borrow your car for a few hours. They have some manure that needs spreading."
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