Water Closet
There is only one place in my house where I can achieve total privacy. It is a small room with seating for only one. It is always stocked with reading material of some kind or another. It is my refuge, my retreat. It is my bathroom.
“Honey! Can you see who’s at the door?”
“Nope. I’m in the bathroom.”
“Daddy! I broke my toy! Can you fix it?”
“Nope. I’m in the bathroom.”
“Can you answer the phone?”
“Nope. I’m in the bathroom.”
Perhaps you know it as the water closet, the head, the john, the latrine, the lavatory, the loo, the potty, the privy, the throne, the boys and/or girls room or the library. It isn’t soundproof but it doesn’t have to be. Everyone knows that while I’m in there, nothing can be done to get me out until I’m ready. While in the bathroom I’m in self-imposed exile from the world even though I can hear all activities throughout the house. It is a wonderful place.
Some of my best stories were thought of while I was sitting in there. As a matter of fact, this one came to me while on the throne. Doesn’t that paint a pretty picture? I don’t care what you think about it because you can’t get to me in here.
That reminds me of something. Please excuse me for just a moment. “Honey! We need more toilet paper!”
“Are you using toilet paper to write stories again?”
“Yep! I’m in the bathroom!”
Forensics
With a kid, you become a forensics expert. Hmmm. Ketchup bottle on the counter. The lid is open. Traces of ketchup are on the counter. It could only mean one thing. "Who has been eating the ketchup?" Since I only have one child, the possibilities are limited.
My kid replies, "Not me."
I investigate. I walk up the stairs towards his room following a trail of ketchup fingerprints on the handrail. Evidence is mounting. "Are you sure you didn't eat ketchup?"
He replies, "Yes."
I enter my son's room. I'll give you one more chance to confess. Did you or did you not eat ketchup straight from the bottle in the kitchen. Remember son, you are still under oath from the last time you ate ketchup from the bottle."
"I didn't eat the ketchup."
"Then why is there a ketchup ring around your mouth? Did the ketchup just jump up on your face?"
"Yes."
"Son, you have been caught red handed," I tell him not intending the pun. "Go to your room!"
He starts to cry before he realizes that he was already playing in his room. For me, it's on to the next case.
"Okay! Who put toothpaste on the dog's tail?"
Do As I Say, Not As I Do
My four-year-old son is constantly making new discoveries. I'd like to cover three discoveries that he made all in one day.
1. Sharp Things Hurt
"Son, leave the Christmas tree ornaments alone. If they break, they'll cut you."
"They'll cut me?"
"Yes."
"Will I need a Band-Aid?"
"Yes. You will need a Band-Aid. It will cut you, you will bleed, it will hurt and you will need a Band-Aid. Leave the ornaments alone."
Moments later I hear an ornament break, my child begins to cry, his finger is bleeding and a Band-Aid is applied. "Didn't I tell you not to touch the ornaments?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to touch the ornaments again?"
"No."
He hasn't touched one since.
2. The Oven Is Hot.
"Can I have a brownie?"
My wife tells him, "These aren't brownies. It's fudge and it's hot. You can have some later when it cools."
"Is it hot?"
"Yes. Don't touch it. It will burn you and make you hurt."
"It will make me hurt?"
"Yes. Do not touch it. It is too hot right now. It will burn you and make you hurt. Do not touch it. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
Shortly after making this seriously stern warning, my child goes to my wife in tears, his fingers covered in fudge. "Didn't I tell you not to touch the fudge?"
"Yes"
"Are you going to touch something again after I tell you it's hot?"
"No."
He hasn't gone near anything hot since.
3. Three Warnings Are Enough
I sit comfortably at the computer as I write a short story about my son having a couple of minor accidents. He approaches me in tears and is holding his tongue. I look at him and then I look at the electric train track sitting nearby. "You put your tongue on the train track didn't you?"
"Yeth."
"How did it taste?"
"Thour."
"Are you going to do it again?"
"No."
So far, he hasn't made any other attempts to test the flavor of electricity.
The other day I asked my wife if it would be okay to put a dry clean only jacket into the washer. "Absolutely not. It will ruin it."
I thought her words were a bit harsh and I didn't see any harm in letting it soak in there through a quick cycle. Now the jacket fits my son. My wife said to me, "Didn't I tell you not to put your jacket in the washer?"
"Yes."
"My son looked at me and said, "Are you going to do it again?"
Mod Bell
Modern technology is a wonderful thing. For example, the phone systems in place today are a vast improvement over just a few years ago. Cellular phones now enable us to call anyone from anywhere at anytime. This means that if you are driving drunk at three in the morning, you can call all your ex-girlfriends from the comfort of your own car.
Voicemail is a wonderful thing. I have voice mail included in my telephone service package. Some folks haven't caught on that I no longer use an answering machine and that I can't hear them when they leave a message. This is evident when checking messages as I discover that someone has recorded, "Hello! Hello! Answer the phone! I know you're home! Pick up the phone! Don't ignore me! I know you're there and I know you can hear me! You're a real jerk for not answering!"
I return the call several hours later so I can let the caller stew a bit. I'll begin by saying, "Hi. It's the jerk." Then I explain that I wasn't home but if I had been home and was unable to get to the phone, I wouldn't have heard the message anyway since I have voicemail.
Although the days of two strings and a Dixie Cup are over, some folks still haven't grasped the concept of telephone automation. Recently, I had a problem with a product I had bought and called the company's support line. Their message said, "Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following options. For sales inquires, please call 1-864-555-1100. For technical service, please call 1-864-555-1100. For billing inquiries, please call 1-864-555-1100. For all other questions, please call 1-864-555-1100. To repeat this message, please hang up and call again.
So, I hung up, waited until three in the morning, dialed 1-864-555-1100 and pretended I was drunk as I left a message for an old girlfriend.
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