I have never been to any of my high school reunions although I have always been on the invitation list. No matter where I move, no matter where I try to hide, they always manage to track me down. I can't say that I didn't enjoy my high school days but my high school days were my high schools days and these days aren't my high school days and going to reunions just isn't on my priority list. It isn't that I wouldn't like the opportunity to catch up with old friends. It's just that I don't rank the reunions as being as important as clipping my toenails.

It seems that my old alma mater was in need of cash and was able to convince the "booster club" to contact alumni to see if anyone would be interested in donating to their fund drive. The "booster club," in turn, recruited the alumni class organizers and asked them to call people on their lists. So one day I get this call, from a guy that I barely knew in high school, asking me for money. I explained to him that I didn't think that I could spare anything for the school to fix the bell tower clock since I believed that donations could probably be better spent on trivial things like food, water and electricity. He humored me with an uncomfortable laugh and thanked me for my time.

A year or so later he calls me again and says that he's trying to raise money to have a statue erected of the man the high school was named after. I explained that I thought that having the man's name on the building was enough of an honor and I didn't deem the cause worthy enough for me to fork out any cash. Again he thanked me for my time.

Several months later, This guy calls again. Now he wants money so that the school can buy a nice retirement gift for the current principal who is about to retire. I explained that since I didn't even know the principal's name and that I wouldn't recognize him if I ran into him on the street, I just couldn't see giving any money for his gift.

It was then that the fellow said, as if he really cared, "Okay, I understand that. So, how have you been doing all these years?"

"Well, things have been pretty good since I got out of prison although it's hard to pay the child support for seven kids on a janitors salary. If it weren't for selling stolen goods, I don't know how I'd make ends meet."

I never heard from him again.

I recently received a spam email claiming that a particular company manufactured a cream that would firm up a person's buttocks without exercise. I took the liberty of responding to the company with the following email:

To whom it may concern,

I received your email today and wanted to take this opportunity to respond to some of the statements you made in your message.

> Do you suffer from a saggy, unattractive buttocks?

No, but I do have double chin. Is it possible that your product could help me?

> Wouldn't you love to have those firm buttocks you've always dreamed of?

Actually, my buttocks are just fine. Do you think your product can help me with my double chin?

> Then you need our revolutionary Buttocks Firming Cream. 100% money back guarantee, no exercise required!

What I really need is a revolutionary Double Chin Firming Cream. I hadn't thought about trying to exercise my double chin and I would be happy to hear any suggested exercise techniques that you think might help.

Best regards,

Elle McPherson

Shortly afterwards, I received this reply:

Thank you for you inquiry regarding our Buttocks Firming Cream. At this time, we do not recommend that you use this product on any part of your body other than the buttocks region. The product has not been tested for or approved for any other use other than those specifically stated in the instructions. Use of the product in a manner that differentiates from the directions will void any and all guarantees made by the manufacturer.

I waited a couple of days before responding with this:

To whom it may concern,

I wish I had read your response to my original email before ordering and trying your Buttocks Firming Cream on my double chin. Let me say that I'm sure it is an excellent product for the firming of flabby buttocks, as my initial results in the reduction of my double chin were quite promising. However, as time marched on, the cream actually began to shrink my head. Yesterday, my head was reduced to the size of a baseball. Today it's about the size of a golf ball. My coworkers are laughing at me and are calling me "pinhead." Do you make an antidote for this product? I'll pay any price. Please respond quickly for tomorrow may be too late.

Sincerely,

Elle McPherson

I'm still waiting for a reply.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but back in the 1980's, I had an AMC Gremlin. I hated that car. It had an accordion type sunroof made of fabric that had to be pushed back to open. I was driving home from work when the sunroof ripped from its mooring and began flapping like a massive flag behind my car before completely freeing itself from bondage. I think the sunroof hated the car as well.

The sunroof was a rare item and at the time I was unable to afford a new one. I riveted a piece of sheet metal to the roof as a replacement. At least it kept the rain out. That is until the rear window mysteriously shattered. I was walking by the car when it happened. Nobody else was around and I could find no evidence of foul play to indicate that a foreign object had penetrated the glass. The window just seemed to have had enough of that car.

It wasn't long before the front suspension decided to depart. If I had intentions of making a turn, it was necessary to start turning the steering wheel several blocks before said anticipated turn. Steering became a fine art. I hated that car.

I was driving home from the grocery store when the engine quit on me. I had the car towed home and I began to thoroughly check the motor inside and out. I could find nothing wrong. I was sitting behind the drivers seat when a neighbor asked, "You don't suppose it's out of gas do you?"

I tapped at the gauge and said, "No. You can plainly see that it has a quarter of a tank." No sooner had I spilled the words from my mouth, my tapping dislodged the stuck gauge. It now read "Empty."

I had a can of gas that I used for filling the tank of my lawn mower so I used the contents to get the Gremlin started. The gas gauge barely registered as I headed for the gas station. I was about one hundred feet from the pump when I ran out of gas again. I hated that car.

Now it was war. I ran the car low on oil trying to kill it. The motor ran fantastic. I ran it low on coolant but the engine never missed a beat. I ran it low on oil and coolant at the same time and the motor only seemed to run better. As the car fell apart around me, the motor only became stronger but I still hated that car.

When I decided to sell it, a friend of mine offered to buy it. I told him everything that was wrong with it and begged him not to buy it from me. He really wanted the car and said he'd "fix it up." I tried to give it to him but he said he wouldn't feel right not paying me something for it. I ended up selling him the car for fifty dollars.

Two days after he bought the car it caught on fire in his driveway. The Gremlin burned to the ground and in the process, it caught his other car on fire. I took comfort in the knowledge that there were then two of us who hated that car.

Talking with some friends about a deep sea-fishing trip they were planning, the subject of "dangers on the ocean" came up. One of them voiced his concern over whether or not the boat they had chartered had enough life preservers and another worried about sharks in the water should the boat capsize. "First of all," I said, "I would hope that your captain would have enough sense to turn the boat around should there be thirty foot swells out there. Hopefully he'll take a look at the weather forecast the night before and perhaps it might be to your advantage to refrain from getting on the boat if severe storms are imminent."

My friends thought I was being silly and made remarks along the lines of, "The ocean is nothing to play around with."

"If these fears are real for you, why bother taking the risk?"

"It's fun."

So, you'll basically be playing around on the ocean. In other words, doing something on the ocean you just said you shouldn't be doing."

"As long as there are enough life preservers, I'll feel secure."

"But what about sharks?"

The discussion progressed to a dialog pertaining to the best method of repelling and/or fending off sharks. "I'm going to take a big knife with me just in case. If a shark comes near me, I'll slice and dice him."

"Correct me if I'm wrong but if you cut open a shark and he bleeds, won't that attract more sharks?"

"Maybe we should focus on repelling them. What would be the best way to keep them away?"

"Well," I said, "I do know that sharks are attracted to bright colored clothing and shiny objects that they sometimes mistake for fish. Perhaps you should wear a long sleeved black shirt with a pair of black slacks."

"We'll die if we wear black on a boat in the middle of the ocean on a sunny and hot summer day."

"You could always carry some dolphins with you."

"What?"

"Carry some dolphins with you. They'll attack the sharks and keep them away from you."

"That's ridiculous."

"No, not really. I saw it on National Geographic."

"We'll we can't take dolphins with us but maybe we could get something like dolphin scent to keep them away."

"Why not just buy some deer scent. You can get that at Wal-Mart."

"Deer scent? Why deer scent?"

"Have you ever heard of a shark attacking a deer?

"No, I can't say that I have. I will tell you this though. If you ever end up going deep-sea fishing with us and the boat goes down, we're strapping steaks to you. That should keep the sharks away from us."